World Affairs


Recently, George W returned from his first trip to Europe. Not as President…EVER! You’d think that by the time he reached 55, he would have tagged along just once on his dad’s 850 trips abroad, if for no other reason than to hit the famous “Malt Liquors of Bavaria” tour. But no.

W’s lack of sophistication did prove to be a problem on occasion. He mispronounced the Spanish Prime Minister’s name, and momentarily forgot what country Belgium was part of. However, he got in even more trouble when he referred to Spanish women as “Spaniels” and women of Crete as “Critters.” Calling the Danes “Pasty-Faced Douchebags” also didn’t help.

W also got in a bit of trouble after his meeting with Putin (who W initially referred to as “Pukin” until Colin Powell reached under the table and applied that gentle pressure to W’s testicles that tells W it’s time to just sit quietly for a while). W came out of the meeting saying that he trusted Vladamir “The-Butcher-of-Chechnya” Putin because (I’m not making this up) he “looked into his eyes and saw his soul.” The last time I heard of someone doing that it was when I myself did it with Debra McCormick in 11th grade. I remember the conversation well:

ME
Trish

Her
It’s Debra.

ME
Debra, I have looked into your eyes and I
have seen your soul. And what I see is the
radiance of a thousand Goddesses, flush with
the love of all heaven, and deeper than a million
limpid pools of sapphire.

Her
I’m still not taking off my top.

ME
Well then…gotta go.

Bush further alienated the Europeans with his positions on global warming (“We can’t move forward until the science is definite”), missile defense (“We can’t wait for the science to be definite to move forward”) and the death penalty (“Screw the Icelandic Ballet, where do we go to see someone fried ’round here”). Basically he was a bull in the diplomatic china shop. It led me to wonder what W would have been like at other historical events:

*~~*CREATION*~~*

Adam
Hey Eve, you have a great set of…

Eve
…Adam, I brought you an apple.

Adam
An apple?

Eve
Yes. From the tree of knowledge.

W
Did someone say “tree”??

Eve
Who are you?

W
I’m a compassionate conservative. Listen here.
Why have a tree of knowledge, when you can
have an “oil rig of knowledge?”

Adam
Oil rig?

W
That’s right. In fact, we could have hundreds
of oil rigs of knowledge. And we could rename
this place the “Chevron Garden of Eden.”

*~~*CRUCIFIXION*~~*

Jesus
Forgive them father, for they know not what they
are doing. Into thy hands I commend…

W
Hey there!

Jesus
Huh?

W
No need to shake hands.

Jesus
What are you doing here?

W
Hell, I ain’t missed an execution since
Socrates. Say, what does “H” stand for?

Jesus
H?

W
You know, your middle initial.

*~~*APPOMATIX*~~*

Robert E Lee
And so General Grant, with safe passage for
my troops my only request, I hereby lay down
my sword.

Ulysses Grant
I assure safe passage and demand only cessation
of resistance in the South. I commend you on your…

W
Hey! Aren’t you fellers forgetting one thing?

Robert E Lee
What’s that?

W
A big-assed tax cut!

Ulysses Grant
Who the hell are you?

W
I’m a uniter, not a divider. But most of all,
I’m a reformer with results. Say Uliptus, are
you chewing tobacco?

Ulysses Grant
Well…yes.

W
That’s what I like to see! Say, you got any
nose candy?

Ulysses Grant
Nose candy?

W
Yeah. You know, tootski, special snow cone,
Bolivian Breakfast?

Robert E Lee
Uh…I’m just going to leave my sword…

W
Sword? Way to big. You got a razor blade?

*~~*MANHATTAN PROJECT*~~*

EINSTEIN
a = 4 pi**2 r / t^2

OPPENHEIMER

W
2+2=?

EINSTEIN
0 = 225/3 + (30/3)A + B
– 0 = 4/3 – ( 4/3)A /p
0 = 221/3 + (34/3)A
A = -13/2 p- 2/3
7 coda 7

W
P

OPPENHEIMER
P?

W
Yeah. I gotta Pee. You fellers got a latrine?

Alas, there is no way to actually go back in time and put W there. For better or worse, he is a leader for our time. But fantasizing like this can be fun. Tomorrow, I imagine what it would be like if Celine Dion were sent back into a nest of saber-toothed tigers.

Howdy!

A lot of people now view Osama Bin Laden as the embodiment of evil. Others view him as a worthy freedom fighter. Those people are morons. So let’s not think about them. But seeing Bin Laden as evil does not mean he is without his sensitive side. In fact, throughout history, even the most despicable among us usually has a little, soft, squishy spot, all our own.

Adolph Hitler was a vegetarian. Ghengis Kahn would cut off a man’s head without giving it a second thought, but he also loved knitting, pashmenas mostly. Vlad the impaler would…well… impale thousands in a gruesome display of cruelty, but not when someone was making S’mores and hot cocoa. Adolph Eichman was the author of the “Final Solution.” But he was also the author of “Punky the Jolly Pumpkin,” and nothing could keep him away from a good game of “Duck, Duck, Goose.” Joseph Stalin put millions in brutal concentration camps, but that didn’t stop him from wearing his Dr. Denton Jammies and sleeping curled up next to his stuffed BA-Bar doll.

Osama is no different. He may be a depraved homicidal maniac, but he showed in one of his most recent video clips what a multidimensional terrorist he is. You may have seen him on TV, reading a poem about the terrorist attack on the S.S. Cole in Yemen, complete with literary references to body parts flying and blood flowing (I’m not making this up). This unexpected display of sensitivity caused me to ask my sources in the Taliban (our shared love or rice pudding made us close) if there were other poems. Soon, I was e-mailed:

THE LOST EROTIC POEMS of OSAMA BIN LADEN

#1 – “Women”

A woman is a temptress
who’ll drive man to distraction
no part of her can be seen
not even a small fraction

Once I saw a woman’s hair
a tiny lock of scarlet
I couldn’t even build a bomb
thinking of the harlot

Once I glimpsed a woman’s foot
as I walked by the forge
I had to halt an execution
my loins were so engorged

Once I spied a woman’s eye
peeking through her veil
I over cooked the nerve gas
boiling in the pail

Once I gazed upon the nose
of a woman from afar
I had to scream from in my cave
“Allah, she’s AKBAR!!!!

America, your doom is near
To hell you all will now go
but to show you true love conquers all
I might spare Gwyneth Paltrow

# 2 “Ode to Yassir (the love that dare not speak its name)

Yassir, Yassir
Air-oh-phat
You are my rose petal
you are my ill-shaven dream
Brothers in terror
Lovers in the dark
The Koran forbids it, but I don’t care
Allah forbids it, but I don’t care
Jimmy Crack Corn and I don’t care
All I live for is to wage JIHAD on your rump.

#3 The Lost Erotic Haikus

I love thee as air
How to show my all yearning?
perhaps beheading?

Are you first to me?
Or is it mass destruction?
at least you’re second.

If I could but glimpse
your sweet face behind the veil
I’d beat you silly

#4 “Monogamy” (in the style of Sheik Seuss)

I do not like monogamy
I do not like this thing I see
I have my feelings I cannot hide
I do not want only one bride

I will not listen to a guy Bill
I will not listen to the Bible
I will not listen to the Mullah
or even to the Ayatollah

I will not listen to my young
I will not listen to Connie Chung
I will not change to try to fit in
Jesse Jackson can stage a sit-in

I will not change for lots of cash
Although I might for lots of hash
I will not change for a cow named besse
I will not change for Sally Jesse

If you’re like me, I’m sure you’ve been reduced to a whimpering mass who faces disbarment. But at least we’ve all learned tonight not to judge a man simply by the fact that he murders thousands of unsuspecting people a lot.

I was flipping through the channels last night in search of some good TV. I had a hard day at work trying to convince a client that “Guilty” was the jury’s way of saying “We understand your childhood was difficult, and we care.” After a while he seemed to get it, and was even kind enough to explain to me that “Insufficient Funds” was his bank’s way of saying “Your legal fee is on the way.”

So I settled in to my recliner, with a bottle of Colt 45 Malt liquor in one hand and a bottle of Colt 45 Malt Liquor in the other (I sure love my Malt Liquor), in search of something relaxing to watch. Unfortunately, “Good Executions Gone Bad” wasn’t on that night, So I tried ESPN (The Uzbek Pinochle Championship), PBS (“Why bears are furry, but not that furry), and QVC (Meredith Baxter Birney selling Rectal thermometers in bulk), but nothing caught my eye. But then, I found what I was looking for: TNN, otherwise known as “The Taliban News Network.”

There were two anchor people. A male, Terror el-Jihad, and his female sidekick Tammy. It was very reminiscent of the Dan Rather/Connie Chung days, except in the latter case you could see Connie Chung’s face, and Dan usually wasn’t wearing a “Death to the Great Satan” sash over his sport coat. However, the newscast was lively and informative, if just a bit heavy on the Bill Cosby Pudding commercials. Here’s a sample:

Terror el-Jihad
Good Evening from Kabul, I’m Terror el-Jihad
and this is Taliban News.

Tammy
Good evening Terror.

Terror el-Jihad
A Woman has spoken to me! I am now
impure. I must blow myself up tonight, praise
be to Allah. But first, our top story…

Tammy
US air attacks continued today. The great
prophet Osama Bin Ladin has declared that
the battle is going well, and that we are on
the road to a glorious victory over the infidels.
Here with a live report is our field Correspondent
Achmed bin Achmed.

Achmed bin Achmed
“Holy Allah, we’re getting the living crap
kicked out of us. CHRIST, here comes
another one BOOOM!

Tammy
Again, a really really glorious victory…uh…over
the…uh…infidels. We’re just beating the stuffing
out of em…

Terror el-Jihad
…In other news, protesters today burned President
Bush in effigy. Then they went to see the movie “Glitter,”
after which, they burned Maria Carey in effigy,
and then beat her smoldering visage, for a really
long time.

Tammy
The minister of education today said that
budget cuts will not force the cancellation of
Myra Goldfarb’s 12th grade class’ all-nude
interpretation of “Fiddler on the Roof.” However,
the fact that everyone connected with the
production has been ordered “Crushed by
Heavy Stone” will.

Terror el-Jihad
Previously the Minister for the Elimination of
Vice and the Promotion of Virtue (an actual
position) has banned such manifestation of sin
as dancing, painting, Radio, Chess and Kite Flying.
However, we have not yet been purged of our
sinful wickedness. Thus, the list of things the
Minister thought of to ban today includes the
following:

1. Parallel Parking
2. Mutton Chops
3. Going to Get the Mail
4. Lego
5. Eggo
6. Wondering who wrote the Book of Love
7. Getting “all horned up”
8. Horse Racing (regular and harness)
9. Roman-Style Orgies (you’d think they’d have gotten to that
one already)
10. Lists

Praise be to Allah.

Tammy
Today in sports, the “Fightin Mullahs” of
Kanduhar beat the “Kabul Infidels.”

Terror el-Jihad
What was the score?

Tammy
Oh, there was no score. They just beat them.
With clubs at first, then anvils, and finally they
just pelted them with stale falafel.

Terror el-Jihad
Finally, the “Career Day” Fair at Kabul University
ended abruptly when the kids in the “Suicide
Bomber” Booth blew up everyone in the periodontist
Booth. Praise be to Allah.

Tammy
That’s all for tonight. Please join me later
on “Bridge to the 12th Century” where we
bring you a hard-hitting expose on goldbricking
at the anthrax lab. Goodnight, and have a pleasant
tomorrow.

Howdy!

Some problems are so emotionally charged that discussing them requires a great deal of sensitivity. Fortunately, I am sensitive to a fault. (Other things I am to a fault include generous and overdrawn on my checking account!) I have repeatedly demonstrated my sensitivity in tricky social situations. When a woman I know put on a few pounds, I very delicately mentioned that she had “puffed up like a helium balloon.” When a friend introduced me to his new girlfriend, I tactfully noted that she was “as dull as a phone book.” And although she looked like a yak, I was sensitive enough to not point that out, and to confine myself to merely making yak noises whenever she entered the room.

One topic that requires my level of sensitivity is the current middle east situation. The neighborly conflict between the Israelis and Palestinians is so fraught with anger on both sides, that civil discussion is very difficult. Therefore, it falls to me, Mr. Sensitive, to gingerly offer my observations on the current impasse.

I do so hoping that after I am done, people on both sides will continue not inviting me to their parties, but that they will continue to not invite me because of my table manners, the fact I like to press my butt print on all their windows, and my propensity to consider “their” stuff as “my” stuff, and not because of what I say in this Vent.

I will address each side separately, or, as we say in Latin “separately” (the similarity is actually quite striking).

ISRAEL

A. Recognize the Palestinians Need Their Own State – It seems that the people who fight most around the world are the people who look the most alike. This seems silly. It would be like me fighting Brad Pitt. However, while Palestinians and Jews may look the same, have similar cultures and share the unique belief that ground-up chicpeas are “yummy,” they have demonstrated they simply can’t coexist. They are like oil and water, or Drew Carey and thongs. They need to be separate (in the English sense, not Latin).

B. Put a Freeze on Building New Settlements- Look, in a perfect world, Jews could live wherever they wanted to, even in Palestine. But if it was a perfect world, the Backstreet Boys would be synchronized welders, and there would be a Strombolli tree in my back yard. But its not a perfect world. The Palestinians view the settlements as an irritant, and are likely to continue to send sniper fire your way as long as they are there. We all know sniper fire = a bad Bar Mitzvah.

PALESTINE

Before I give the Palestinians my thoughts, I’d like to give them a little quiz. Please answer the following three multiple choice questions:

1. According to Robert Frost, “____________ make good neighbors”
a) Good Fences
b) Good Babaganoush
c) Extremely Powerful Truck Bombs

2. Studies show that when having a dispute with a neighbor, the most effective tool for resolving that dispute would be:
a) A Competent Mediator
b) Good Ganja and lots of it
c) Extremely Powerful Truck Bombs

3. When my child grows up, I would like him/her to be:
a) A Doctor
b) A Lawyer
c) A Martyr for Allah who straps dynamite on his chest and blows himself up in a Burger King taking dozens and dozens of infidel pigs with him!!

If you answered c) to any or all of these questions…now see, that’s what I’m talking about. Lots of people have disputes, but most don’t go blowing people up over it. So, my first idea:

A. Stop Blowing People Up!! – Also, stop throwing stuff at people. Instead of declaring yet another “Day of Rage,” how about declaring a “Day of Acting Like Normal Human Beings?” Why not stop teaching your school children that Jews are vermin, when we all know it’s the Eskimos who are the vermin? Instead of associating with the likes of Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein, why not try associating with some nice people, like Ivanka Trump or Penelope Ann Miller?

B. Be Willing to Compromise – In 2000, at Camp David (named after David Crosby) Yasir Arafat was offered an independent Palestinian State with East Jerusalem as it’s capital. Instead of seizing this opportunity to end decades of war, actually start building a nation, and become the least attractive person ever to run a country, he said no. Why? because he didn’t get 100% of what he wanted. So instead he launched an Intifada (Arabic for “What was I thinking?”). A year later, there are 200 more dead Israelis, 700 dead Palestinians, and a resulting right wing government in Tel Aviv. We are further from peace than ever, and let’s just say that Yassir isn’t getting any prettier.

C. Prepare your People for Peace – As mentioned earlier, the schools, the press, even the pop culture in the Arab world is vehemently and violently anti-Israel and anti-Jew. The number one song on Arab Radio (I am not making this up) for much of last year was “I Hate Israel.” (Number two was “A Special Kind of Love” by N’Sync.) The so-called mainstream Arab Press continues to report that Jews are “Rats” and “Retarded” and “Responsible for the September 11 attack on the World Trade Center.” School children are taught about how evil Jews are. I can’t help but think this cuts into the time available for Phonics. It’s no wonder that the average Palestinian wants no part of a peace deal.

So in summary:

a) Palestinian State
b) No more settlements
c) Secure Borders for Israel
d) Normalized Relations with Arab Countries
e) Me still not invited to parties
f) More Phonics

Tomorrow: How to get Kaj A Goo Goo back together.

Howdy!

Some problems are so emotionally charged that discussing them requires a great deal of sensitivity. Fortunately, I am sensitive to a fault. (Other things I am to a fault include generous and overdrawn on my checking account!) I have repeatedly demonstrated my sensitivity in tricky social situations. When a woman I know put on a few pounds, I very delicately mentioned that she had “puffed up like a helium balloon.” When a friend introduced me to his new girlfriend, I tactfully noted that she was “as dull as a phone book.” And although she looked like a yak, I was sensitive enough to not point that out, and to confine myself to merely making yak noises whenever she entered the room.

One topic that requires my level of sensitivity is the current middle east situation. The neighborly conflict between the Israelis and Palestinians is so fraught with anger on both sides, that civil discussion is very difficult. Therefore, it falls to me, Mr. Sensitive, to gingerly offer my observations on the current impasse.

I do so hoping that after I am done, people on both sides will continue not inviting me to their parties, but that they will continue to not invite me because of my table manners, the fact I like to press my butt print on all their windows, and my propensity to consider “their” stuff as “my” stuff, and not because of what I say in this Vent.

I will address each side separately, or, as we say in Latin “separately” (the similarity is actually quite striking).

ISRAEL

A. Recognize the Palestinians Need Their Own State – It seems that the people who fight most around the world are the people who look the most alike. This seems silly. It would be like me fighting Brad Pitt. However, while Palestinians and Jews may look the same, have similar cultures and share the unique belief that ground-up chicpeas are “yummy,” they have demonstrated they simply can’t coexist. They are like oil and water, or Drew Carey and thongs. They need to be separate (in the English sense, not Latin).

B. Put a Freeze on Building New Settlements- Look, in a perfect world, Jews could live wherever they wanted to, even in Palestine. But if it was a perfect world, the Backstreet Boys would be synchronized welders, and there would be a Strombolli tree in my back yard. But its not a perfect world. The Palestinians view the settlements as an irritant, and are likely to continue to send sniper fire your way as long as they are there. We all know sniper fire = a bad Bar Mitzvah.

PALESTINE

Before I give the Palestinians my thoughts, I’d like to give them a little quiz. Please answer the following three multiple choice questions:

1. According to Robert Frost, “____________ make good neighbors”
a) Good Fences
b) Good Babaganoush
c) Extremely Powerful Truck Bombs

2. Studies show that when having a dispute with a neighbor, the most effective tool for resolving that dispute would be:
a) A Competent Mediator
b) Good Ganja and lots of it
c) Extremely Powerful Truck Bombs

3. When my child grows up, I would like him/her to be:
a) A Doctor
b) A Lawyer
c) A Martyr for Allah who straps dynamite on his chest and blows himself up in a Burger King taking dozens and dozens of infidel pigs with him!!

If you answered c) to any or all of these questions…now see, that’s what I’m talking about. Lots of people have disputes, but most don’t go blowing people up over it. So, my first idea:

A. Stop Blowing People Up!! – Also, stop throwing stuff at people. Instead of declaring yet another “Day of Rage,” how about declaring a “Day of Acting Like Normal Human Beings?” Why not stop teaching your school children that Jews are vermin, when we all know it’s the Eskimos who are the vermin? Instead of associating with the likes of Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein, why not try associating with some nice people, like Ivanka Trump or Penelope Ann Miller?

B. Be Willing to Compromise – In 2000, at Camp David (named after David Crosby) Yasir Arafat was offered an independent Palestinian State with East Jerusalem as it’s capital. Instead of seizing this opportunity to end decades of war, actually start building a nation, and become the least attractive person ever to run a country, he said no. Why? because he didn’t get 100% of what he wanted. So instead he launched an Intifada (Arabic for “What was I thinking?”). A year later, there are 200 more dead Israelis, 700 dead Palestinians, and a resulting right wing government in Tel Aviv. We are further from peace than ever, and let’s just say that Yassir isn’t getting any prettier.

C. Prepare your People for Peace – As mentioned earlier, the schools, the press, even the pop culture in the Arab world is vehemently and violently anti-Israel and anti-Jew. The number one song on Arab Radio (I am not making this up) for much of last year was “I Hate Israel.” (Number two was “A Special Kind of Love” by N’Sync.) The so-called mainstream Arab Press continues to report that Jews are “Rats” and “Retarded” and “Responsible for the September 11 attack on the World Trade Center.” School children are taught about how evil Jews are. I can’t help but think this cuts into the time available for Phonics. It’s no wonder that the average Palestinian wants no part of a peace deal.

So in summary:

a) Palestinian State
b) No more settlements
c) Secure Borders for Israel
d) Normalized Relations with Arab Countries
e) Me still not invited to parties
f) More Phonics

Tomorrow: How to get Kaj A Goo Goo back together.