Howdy!

This is just a short Vent to plug something my dear friend and physical clone Linda Swain has coming up. She is performing on Channel 6 during the 4th of July Parade at 7:15-7:30 P.M. You see, Linda is a singer–unlike me, who has a bad voice; or Celine Dion, who has a voice like a thousand rabid monkeys trapped in a cement mixer. Maybe not everyone is familiar with that sound, but it’s not…well…it’s not a good one.

Linda wrote the new theme song for Philadelphia. It replaces the old theme song “My City Sucks” written in 1854 by Irving Berlin, almost 40 years before he was born! A lot of people don’t know it, but Linda originally asked me to give her some ideas for lyrics. On the first day she called me, I was tired and unmotivated. I suggested just singing “Philly – Yeah!” over and over again. When she hinted that she was looking for a slightly more sophisticated song, I e-mailed her a list of several ways in which Philadelphia leads the nation. However, Linda said she wanted to go in a different direction. Plus, she said, it’s hard to find words that rhyme with chlamydia.

I also suggested that we perform as a duet. I called her just last week about it:

Linda
Hello!

Me
Hey Linda!

Linda
Oh, it’s you Daylin. Look, I decided not to
wear pasties.

Me
No, No. I have a new idea. We should do a
duet.

Linda
You mean at the same time?

Me
Absolutely! We could do it one of several
ways. For example, while you’re singing
about how Philly stands for freedom, I could
be right behind you going “Don’t diss me or
I cut you.” You know, to give it that edge.

Linda
Um…I gotta go.

Me
If you don’t like that, we could just do
a little Sonny and Cher number that’s
Philly specific. You know, like:

“We got violence and we got hate,
We’ve got the highest murder rate
When the cops throw me in jail
I got you to make my bail!”

Linda
Listen, I really gotta take off. My hair’s on
fire, and the mailman’s here.

Please don’t feel that I am singling out Linda for special treatment. If anyone else has a major life event coming up, please let me know and this space is yours. Whether it’s a singing debut or a custody hearing, whether your wife is arranging a surprise party, or your friends are arranging an intervention, whether you are hosting a bake sale for your glee club, or a pig roast for NAMBLA, I will be happy to publicize it.

So watch Linda on Wednesday night. She is not only a great singer, but a beautiful woman. And although her breasts (ordered from Sharper Image) are still pending, the rest of her is completely natural. So good luck Linda, and remember, one of the best things to rhyme with “Soar” is my office phone number: (610)-668-7964. See if you can work it in.

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