The Big 40

This Saturday marks the big 4-0. It was 40 years ago Saturday that my mother first said, “Are you sure there’s been no mistake” and “I’ll sue!” Everyone keeps telling me how significant this is. But I just don’t feel it. While I may be forty chronologically, I am still seventeen intellectually, and barely bar mitzvah age emotionally. My Wardrobe still consists mainly of “Zeppelin Rules!!” T-shirts which glow in black light, and to this day my favorite food is still Fruity Pebbles, although now I like to eat them while watching “Funky Teen Booty 4” on the Spice Channel.

Regardless of how I feel, 40 is a good time to look at where you’ve been, and where you’re going. When I was a teenager, I wrote a list of 20 things I wanted to accomplish in life. Here is that list, with a progress report.


1. Have Sex

2. Have Sex with another person
Took longer, but check.

3. Have Sex with another person for free

4. Live to see an utter moron become President

5. Win Wimbledon
Not yet, but drop shot improving

6. Have long and lucrative career as soap opera star “Charge Lucas.”
This did not happen, but I did manage to get some gigs as the “before” guy in several plastic surgery commercials.

7. Learn Karate and kick neighborhood bully “Spike McGinchy’s” ass.
Several years after I wrote this goal, Spike stepped on a poisonous sea urchin in Australia, and lost the use of his arms and legs. At that point I realized that learning karate and kicking his ass was silly and pointless, so I just went to his hospital bed and kicked his ass without the karate.

8. Run a Marathon
Check….well…not all at once.

9. Memorize “Moby Dick”
Check. I also memorized the titles of several other books.

10. Learn to think positively
I was going to do this, but then I thought, “What the hell good will that do me?”

11. Convince 3,300 orthodox Jews from Miami to vote for Pat Buchanan for President.

12. Go to a strip club, just to see what it’s like.
Check, check, check, check, check, check, check…etc..

13. Visit every country in the world.
I scaled this one back a little, now it’s “visit every pawn shop in Upper Darby.”

14. Become–not just sexy–but “Doubly Sexy.”

15. Get totally stoned on fine Lebanese Hashish with Henry Kissinger

16. Replace “narcissistic” with “Daylinistic” as the psychological word for “Self-involved.”
Getting there

17. Replace “Adonis” with “Daylin” as the archetype of the perfect body.
Uh…not quite there yet

18. Make it OK for guys to wear pink taffeta
Hey, if you’ve got a hang-up, that’s your problem

19. Use Colin Powell’s name in a pun
What do you get when you sit on a scud missile? Colon…POW!!!

20. Go to law school Well, I do have a law degree, but I didn’t actually go to law school, in the sense that “Nick’s Law School” didn’t actually require attendance. It mostly just required writing a check made out to Nick.

As you can see, I’ve reached most of my goals. This only encourages me to set new goals for the next 40 years. I’m not sure what they’ll be, but I’m sure they’ll offer each of you an opportunity to use your own unique talents, connections, and credit card numbers to help me succeed. I’ll keep you posted.