First, a short, meaningful story. The story is called:



The horses are at the starting gate at the Kentucky Derby, which is being held in…that’s right…Kentucky. The winner will retire to stud service for life, sort of like David Crosby, only thinner. The losers will be forgotten. Their lives will not be nearly as glamorous. “Glue” is such a harsh word, but there’s no point in avoiding reality.

Starting in Lane #1 is “Giddy Gelding” ridden by legendary Eddie Arcaro. In lane #2 is “Ecstatic Castrati” ridden by Willie Shoemaker, and in lane #3 is “Jumpin’ Mad Fixed” ridden by 7 foot 2 inch, 315 pound Jockey Wilt Chamberlain.

And they’re off!! Ecstatic Castrati jumps out to a quick lead. Jumpin Mad Fixed pulls up outside the gate, chokes, collapses, and turns to coal!!


See, the point of this touching little story is that people should do what they are suited for. Wilt Chamberlain probably wouldn’t have made a very good jockey. Richard Simmons was probably not born to be a kickboxer, and as a bikini model, Dick Cheney would be “only fair.” Similarly, Celine Dion would have made a catastrophic recording artist.

Oddly enough however, President Bush has decided to nominate–as our chief diplomat in the world–a man who everyone who has ever met him describes as utterly without diplomatic skills. Here is just a small sampling of what people who have worked with John Bolton, Bush’s nominee as UN Ambassador, say about him:

When I disagreed with John Bolton, he chased me down the hall screaming, and throwing ashtrays at me (actually true).
– Former CIA Analyst –

When I first met him, he told me that my legs looked like dung sausages. When I told him I was more comfortable discussing matters relating to foreign countries, he told me my legs would look like dung sausages in any country.
– Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright –

During a visit to my country, he said that the class of first-grade girls who did a native River Dance for him, and I’m
quoting here…”sucked big-time.” He then stomped on
their flowers, turned around and showed them his arse.
– Prime Minister of Ireland –

He said he really likes my singing. Then he said
that Secretary Albright had legs that looked like
dung sausages.
– Celine Dion, Canada –

He told me my country had too many Scottish people
in it.
– President of Scotland –

He said that the bread he was eating tasted dry. I told him it was matzoh, then he turned around and showed
me his arse.
– Foreign Minister of Israel

You’d think there’d be a better choice for UN Ambassador than someone who didn’t have any diplomatic skills. Like someone who did, for example. One can easily foresee the harm to our already teetering international image that a guy like Bolton could cause. Imagine him at his first diplomatic reception:

At the home of the Spanish Ambassador

Spanish Ambassador
May I present the ambassador from France.

You mean the Ambassador from “Freedom.” We don’t
use that other F-word or mention that nation of panzies
in any way.

French Ambassador
Excuse Me.

You heard me. It’s Freedom Fries, Freedom Toast and
Freedom Ticklers.

Spanish Ambassador
Boy, the weather is nice today isn’t it?

Pipe it, Frito Bandito. I ain’t done. Like I was saying,
it’s Freedom Kissing, Freedom’s Spicy Brown

Spanish Ambassador
Perhaps if we could just…

“The Girls in Freedom Got Ants in their

Spanish Ambassador
Ambassador Bolton, please…

The butler on “Family Affair?” That’s right…Mr. Freedom!

Spanish Ambassador
Uh…May I present the ambassador from Japan.

Howdy, Karate. Say, you live near Hiroshima?

Japanese Ambassador
Good Day. I live in Tokyo. But Hiroshima is still a very
painful chapter in our history.

I’m sure it was. We opened up a can of whup-ass there!

Japanese Ambassador
During war, my sister lived in Hiroshima. She lost her whole…


Japanese Ambassador

Excuse me Ambassador Bolton, would you like a Quesadilla?

I don’t know about a whole case of Dias, but I’ll have one or two, whatever the hell they are.

Spanish Ambassador
Mr. Bolton, may I present the ambassador from Russia.

Hey there Ivan.

Russian Ambassador
It’s Peter.

Whatever. Hey, who is that woman you walked in with?

Russian Ambassador
That’s my wife.

Do you ever worry?

Russian Ambassador
About what?

That the “Ugly Police” will come and throw the cuffs on

Russian Ambassador

I knew you had yaks in Ruskie Ville, I just didn’t know
you could marry them.

Russian Ambassador
Listen here. We still have nukes!

Now you’re talkin’ Tolstoy, lets party! …But first, let me show you my arse…

Maybe the Senate will do their job and force W to reconsider this nomination, and pick someone more suitable to diplomacy, like Hulk Hogan for example.

Dutch Larieux

Next week: When it is and is not appropriate to show the Queen your Arse