Howdy!

A lot of people now view Osama Bin Laden as the embodiment of evil. Others view him as a worthy freedom fighter. Those people are morons. So let’s not think about them. But seeing Bin Laden as evil does not mean he is without his sensitive side. In fact, throughout history, even the most despicable among us usually has a little, soft, squishy spot, all our own.

Adolph Hitler was a vegetarian. Ghengis Kahn would cut off a man’s head without giving it a second thought, but he also loved knitting, pashmenas mostly. Vlad the impaler would…well… impale thousands in a gruesome display of cruelty, but not when someone was making S’mores and hot cocoa. Adolph Eichman was the author of the “Final Solution.” But he was also the author of “Punky the Jolly Pumpkin,” and nothing could keep him away from a good game of “Duck, Duck, Goose.” Joseph Stalin put millions in brutal concentration camps, but that didn’t stop him from wearing his Dr. Denton Jammies and sleeping curled up next to his stuffed BA-Bar doll.

Osama is no different. He may be a depraved homicidal maniac, but he showed in one of his most recent video clips what a multidimensional terrorist he is. You may have seen him on TV, reading a poem about the terrorist attack on the S.S. Cole in Yemen, complete with literary references to body parts flying and blood flowing (I’m not making this up). This unexpected display of sensitivity caused me to ask my sources in the Taliban (our shared love or rice pudding made us close) if there were other poems. Soon, I was e-mailed:

THE LOST EROTIC POEMS of OSAMA BIN LADEN

#1 – “Women”

A woman is a temptress
who’ll drive man to distraction
no part of her can be seen
not even a small fraction

Once I saw a woman’s hair
a tiny lock of scarlet
I couldn’t even build a bomb
thinking of the harlot

Once I glimpsed a woman’s foot
as I walked by the forge
I had to halt an execution
my loins were so engorged

Once I spied a woman’s eye
peeking through her veil
I over cooked the nerve gas
boiling in the pail

Once I gazed upon the nose
of a woman from afar
I had to scream from in my cave
“Allah, she’s AKBAR!!!!

America, your doom is near
To hell you all will now go
but to show you true love conquers all
I might spare Gwyneth Paltrow

# 2 “Ode to Yassir (the love that dare not speak its name)

Yassir, Yassir
Air-oh-phat
You are my rose petal
you are my ill-shaven dream
Brothers in terror
Lovers in the dark
The Koran forbids it, but I don’t care
Allah forbids it, but I don’t care
Jimmy Crack Corn and I don’t care
All I live for is to wage JIHAD on your rump.

#3 The Lost Erotic Haikus

I love thee as air
How to show my all yearning?
perhaps beheading?

Are you first to me?
Or is it mass destruction?
at least you’re second.

If I could but glimpse
your sweet face behind the veil
I’d beat you silly

#4 “Monogamy” (in the style of Sheik Seuss)

I do not like monogamy
I do not like this thing I see
I have my feelings I cannot hide
I do not want only one bride

I will not listen to a guy Bill
I will not listen to the Bible
I will not listen to the Mullah
or even to the Ayatollah

I will not listen to my young
I will not listen to Connie Chung
I will not change to try to fit in
Jesse Jackson can stage a sit-in

I will not change for lots of cash
Although I might for lots of hash
I will not change for a cow named besse
I will not change for Sally Jesse

If you’re like me, I’m sure you’ve been reduced to a whimpering mass who faces disbarment. But at least we’ve all learned tonight not to judge a man simply by the fact that he murders thousands of unsuspecting people a lot.

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