I am, for the sixth year now, teaching “First Amendment and the Media” at Muhlenberg College. I’m frankly a little tired of re-teaching the same course. I’ve asked to teach other courses, but the college always has an excuse to say no. For example, I wanted to teach “Advanced Physics,” but the Dean prattled on and on about wanting a professor who actually knew something about physics. He was unpersuaded by my “No one understands that crap anyway” argument. He then told me to stop referring to serious intellectual pursuits as “crap,” and while I was at it, to stop referring to his wife as “skanky.”

So I try to muster as much enthusiasm as possible for each class. I try not to roll my eyes as I talk about something for the 6th time. I only say “blah blah blah” occasionally, and have only shouted out “Kill Me NOW!!!” three times this semester. But my students seem to like me. I think its because of the nice little extras I do. For example, I will now provide the answers to this semester’s upcoming Midterm:

1. Freedom of Speech
2. False
3. The Constitutional Convention
4. The “Single Publication Rule”
5. You bet your sweet ass.
6. Lemon Meringue Pie
7. Nine inches, I’d bet
8. “Vixens in Heat”
9. “Vixens in Heat 2”
10. My Mom would never let me do that, even if it meant I got an ‘A.’
11. Look, I’m just holding it for some dude. I don’t even use the stuff.
12. Wylie Coyote, Super Genius
13. Yeah, sure, I got a sister.
14. Mass x circumference = the square root of volume (still trying to get my foot in the door on the whole ‘Advanced Physics’ thing)
15. 16 in Florida, 14 in Pennsylvania, but guess what, 10 in Mississippi!!

Bonus Question: Why yes professor Leach, you would look good in a Speedo!

Another thing I try to do is stay youthful in my presentation so as to relate to the kids. Whenever appropriate (using the broadest possible definition of that term), I even try to use their lingo. To show you what I mean, here is a transcript of a recent class (all names other than mine are students):

Me
Yo Yo Yo, wassup? Today I’m here to
get my freak on. I’m here to get jiggly
wit’ it. Why? Because I’m all that.

Stephen
Excuse me professor, what are you talking
about?

Me
I’m talking about representin’, I’m talking about
keepin it real!

Megan
Is this stuff about “keepin it real” gonna be
on the test?

Me
Listen shorties. Don’t be bustin my move, or
gettin up in my grill. I’ll bust a cap in yo ass…uh
academically speaking of course.

Gary
Pardon me Professor Leach, but aren’t you usually
a Caucasian professor?

Me
No diggity, cave boy. But ay yo trip, you don’t high
side a homeskillit because yo want to jone his juice!
Check it. Am I fly? Can I get my swerve on? Am I down
wit OPP? Do I got game? The rest is Zootie.

Todd
Are you…like…speaking Yiddish or something?

Megan
Is the Yiddish stuff gonna be on the test?

It’s not easy constantly laying tube on the hipness wave. It requires a constant reappraisal of my haircut, along with numerous visits to “The Bell-bottoms Boutique.” However, I think it’s worth it to keep my students focused on what’s important, not reporting me to the department head.

Tomorrow: I go to court, walk up to Judge Gardner, and get on his jock. Fo shizzle!

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