I was flipping through the channels last night in search of some good TV. I had a hard day at work trying to convince a client that “Guilty” was the jury’s way of saying “We understand your childhood was difficult, and we care.” After a while he seemed to get it, and was even kind enough to explain to me that “Insufficient Funds” was his bank’s way of saying “Your legal fee is on the way.”

So I settled in to my recliner, with a bottle of Colt 45 Malt liquor in one hand and a bottle of Colt 45 Malt Liquor in the other (I sure love my Malt Liquor), in search of something relaxing to watch. Unfortunately, “Good Executions Gone Bad” wasn’t on that night, So I tried ESPN (The Uzbek Pinochle Championship), PBS (“Why bears are furry, but not that furry), and QVC (Meredith Baxter Birney selling Rectal thermometers in bulk), but nothing caught my eye. But then, I found what I was looking for: TNN, otherwise known as “The Taliban News Network.”

There were two anchor people. A male, Terror el-Jihad, and his female sidekick Tammy. It was very reminiscent of the Dan Rather/Connie Chung days, except in the latter case you could see Connie Chung’s face, and Dan usually wasn’t wearing a “Death to the Great Satan” sash over his sport coat. However, the newscast was lively and informative, if just a bit heavy on the Bill Cosby Pudding commercials. Here’s a sample:

Terror el-Jihad
Good Evening from Kabul, I’m Terror el-Jihad
and this is Taliban News.

Tammy
Good evening Terror.

Terror el-Jihad
A Woman has spoken to me! I am now
impure. I must blow myself up tonight, praise
be to Allah. But first, our top story…

Tammy
US air attacks continued today. The great
prophet Osama Bin Ladin has declared that
the battle is going well, and that we are on
the road to a glorious victory over the infidels.
Here with a live report is our field Correspondent
Achmed bin Achmed.

Achmed bin Achmed
“Holy Allah, we’re getting the living crap
kicked out of us. CHRIST, here comes
another one BOOOM!

Tammy
Again, a really really glorious victory…uh…over
the…uh…infidels. We’re just beating the stuffing
out of em…

Terror el-Jihad
…In other news, protesters today burned President
Bush in effigy. Then they went to see the movie “Glitter,”
after which, they burned Maria Carey in effigy,
and then beat her smoldering visage, for a really
long time.

Tammy
The minister of education today said that
budget cuts will not force the cancellation of
Myra Goldfarb’s 12th grade class’ all-nude
interpretation of “Fiddler on the Roof.” However,
the fact that everyone connected with the
production has been ordered “Crushed by
Heavy Stone” will.

Terror el-Jihad
Previously the Minister for the Elimination of
Vice and the Promotion of Virtue (an actual
position) has banned such manifestation of sin
as dancing, painting, Radio, Chess and Kite Flying.
However, we have not yet been purged of our
sinful wickedness. Thus, the list of things the
Minister thought of to ban today includes the
following:

1. Parallel Parking
2. Mutton Chops
3. Going to Get the Mail
4. Lego
5. Eggo
6. Wondering who wrote the Book of Love
7. Getting “all horned up”
8. Horse Racing (regular and harness)
9. Roman-Style Orgies (you’d think they’d have gotten to that
one already)
10. Lists

Praise be to Allah.

Tammy
Today in sports, the “Fightin Mullahs” of
Kanduhar beat the “Kabul Infidels.”

Terror el-Jihad
What was the score?

Tammy
Oh, there was no score. They just beat them.
With clubs at first, then anvils, and finally they
just pelted them with stale falafel.

Terror el-Jihad
Finally, the “Career Day” Fair at Kabul University
ended abruptly when the kids in the “Suicide
Bomber” Booth blew up everyone in the periodontist
Booth. Praise be to Allah.

Tammy
That’s all for tonight. Please join me later
on “Bridge to the 12th Century” where we
bring you a hard-hitting expose on goldbricking
at the anthrax lab. Goodnight, and have a pleasant
tomorrow.

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