Some problems are so emotionally charged that discussing them requires a great deal of sensitivity. Fortunately, I am sensitive to a fault. (Other things I am to a fault include generous and overdrawn on my checking account!) I have repeatedly demonstrated my sensitivity in tricky social situations. When a woman I know put on a few pounds, I very delicately mentioned that she had “puffed up like a helium balloon.” When a friend introduced me to his new girlfriend, I tactfully noted that she was “as dull as a phone book.” And although she looked like a yak, I was sensitive enough to not point that out, and to confine myself to merely making yak noises whenever she entered the room.

One topic that requires my level of sensitivity is the current middle east situation. The neighborly conflict between the Israelis and Palestinians is so fraught with anger on both sides, that civil discussion is very difficult. Therefore, it falls to me, Mr. Sensitive, to gingerly offer my observations on the current impasse.

I do so hoping that after I am done, people on both sides will continue not inviting me to their parties, but that they will continue to not invite me because of my table manners, the fact I like to press my butt print on all their windows, and my propensity to consider “their” stuff as “my” stuff, and not because of what I say in this Vent.

I will address each side separately, or, as we say in Latin “separately” (the similarity is actually quite striking).


A. Recognize the Palestinians Need Their Own State – It seems that the people who fight most around the world are the people who look the most alike. This seems silly. It would be like me fighting Brad Pitt. However, while Palestinians and Jews may look the same, have similar cultures and share the unique belief that ground-up chicpeas are “yummy,” they have demonstrated they simply can’t coexist. They are like oil and water, or Drew Carey and thongs. They need to be separate (in the English sense, not Latin).

B. Put a Freeze on Building New Settlements- Look, in a perfect world, Jews could live wherever they wanted to, even in Palestine. But if it was a perfect world, the Backstreet Boys would be synchronized welders, and there would be a Strombolli tree in my back yard. But its not a perfect world. The Palestinians view the settlements as an irritant, and are likely to continue to send sniper fire your way as long as they are there. We all know sniper fire = a bad Bar Mitzvah.


Before I give the Palestinians my thoughts, I’d like to give them a little quiz. Please answer the following three multiple choice questions:

1. According to Robert Frost, “____________ make good neighbors”
a) Good Fences
b) Good Babaganoush
c) Extremely Powerful Truck Bombs

2. Studies show that when having a dispute with a neighbor, the most effective tool for resolving that dispute would be:
a) A Competent Mediator
b) Good Ganja and lots of it
c) Extremely Powerful Truck Bombs

3. When my child grows up, I would like him/her to be:
a) A Doctor
b) A Lawyer
c) A Martyr for Allah who straps dynamite on his chest and blows himself up in a Burger King taking dozens and dozens of infidel pigs with him!!

If you answered c) to any or all of these questions…now see, that’s what I’m talking about. Lots of people have disputes, but most don’t go blowing people up over it. So, my first idea:

A. Stop Blowing People Up!! – Also, stop throwing stuff at people. Instead of declaring yet another “Day of Rage,” how about declaring a “Day of Acting Like Normal Human Beings?” Why not stop teaching your school children that Jews are vermin, when we all know it’s the Eskimos who are the vermin? Instead of associating with the likes of Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein, why not try associating with some nice people, like Ivanka Trump or Penelope Ann Miller?

B. Be Willing to Compromise – In 2000, at Camp David (named after David Crosby) Yasir Arafat was offered an independent Palestinian State with East Jerusalem as it’s capital. Instead of seizing this opportunity to end decades of war, actually start building a nation, and become the least attractive person ever to run a country, he said no. Why? because he didn’t get 100% of what he wanted. So instead he launched an Intifada (Arabic for “What was I thinking?”). A year later, there are 200 more dead Israelis, 700 dead Palestinians, and a resulting right wing government in Tel Aviv. We are further from peace than ever, and let’s just say that Yassir isn’t getting any prettier.

C. Prepare your People for Peace – As mentioned earlier, the schools, the press, even the pop culture in the Arab world is vehemently and violently anti-Israel and anti-Jew. The number one song on Arab Radio (I am not making this up) for much of last year was “I Hate Israel.” (Number two was “A Special Kind of Love” by N’Sync.) The so-called mainstream Arab Press continues to report that Jews are “Rats” and “Retarded” and “Responsible for the September 11 attack on the World Trade Center.” School children are taught about how evil Jews are. I can’t help but think this cuts into the time available for Phonics. It’s no wonder that the average Palestinian wants no part of a peace deal.

So in summary:

a) Palestinian State
b) No more settlements
c) Secure Borders for Israel
d) Normalized Relations with Arab Countries
e) Me still not invited to parties
f) More Phonics

Tomorrow: How to get Kaj A Goo Goo back together.