There are many elements to a successful political campaign, or so I’m told. There are TV ads, direct mail, bumper stickers, photos of your opponent with a goat, etc. All of these things contribute to getting the message out, whether the message is “I’m for a tax cut,” or “I’ll support public education,” or “Look, my opponent is with a goat!”

One of the things we did during the special election was what we call “targeted mail.” This is where the campaign targets a specific group of individuals, whether by profession, ethnicity, or some other shared trait. We then try to find a person that those in the targeted group would respect, listen to, or are deathly afraid of. That person then signs a letter to the group, and the votes just fly in.

Last time, we sent targeted letters to such groups as Orthodontists, cross-dressers and Buddhists (you’d be amazed at the overlap). But this time, we plan to get far more specific. Below are a few of the targeted letters we’ve written, and the people we hope to get to sign them:

Dear Fellow Eskimo:

I am writing to urge you to support Daylin Leach. I can personally attest that Daylin is very supportive on blubber issues, and he looks damn good in a pelt. Beyond that, when he leaves my igloo after a couple of beers, the snow is always white in the morning, if ya know what I’m saying.

Very Truly Yours,

Dear Mohicans:

Well, I guess it’s just you and me Uncas. This Daylin guy called and
asked me to Rally all the Mohicans. So…uh…I guess I’m done.


Dear Member, Susceptible-to-Reverse-Psychology League:

Don’t vote for Daylin. He’s a weasel.

Maybe I’m Not:
Dr. Milton Weintraub


Dear Non-Deaf Voter:

Vote for Daylin or I’ll put another album out.

I mean it;
Celine Dion

Dear Member, Shakespeare Appreciation Society:

Forsooth!! Harken!!! To vote or not to vote, that is the question. But
behold not Leach’s countenance confused or wardrobe odd. For if you
cut him, does he not bleed? If you leave your shrimp unattended at dinner, does he not eat them? Yes, it is true that a Doofus by any other name would be as doofetic, but if all the world’s a stage, and we are merely players, wouldn’t it be better if Leach were strutting his hour on the stage and signifying nothing in Harrisburg, rather than locally?

Your liege:
Buster “The Bard” Kowalksi

Dear Fellow Psychologist:

Oh come on! We’ve got to elect this guy!! Imagine the endless dissertation topics coming out of this. “How the insane govern,” “Can a Narcissist get a Committee Chairmanship?,” “I’m OK, You’re OK, my legislator’s a wacko,” “People Who Vote on Legislation in a Sun Dress, and the Women who Love Them.” It just goes on and on. This is an opportunity we can’t pass up.

Sam “I like my mother just fine, thank you
very much” Goldwyn, Ph.D.

Dear Fellow Menonite:

Lately many of us have felt that we have not been heard in Harrisburg. There has been far to much attention paid to things like education, health care, and crime, and not nearly enough paid to things like horse-shoein, whittlin’ and subsidies for shoe-fly pie. But I know Daylin. And if there’s one thing Daylin can relate to, it’s a man in a buggy. So on election day, in between the 8:00
butter-churnin’ and the 10:15 begettin’, stop on down to the polls.

Yours Always;
Hezidiah “Puffy” Stoltzfuss

Of course, we can’t think of everybody. So if you are so inclined, please feel free to write a letter to any group that you are a member of. Below is a sample, prewritten letter that you can just fill in the blanks and send.

Dear Fellow ____________:

I have known Daylin Leach for _______, although it seems like it’s been ___________________________________, or even longer.

I just wanted to take a few minutes to urge you to vote for Daylin. No, seriously. I know he sometimes acts like a _________. But he has his good qualities as well. Once, I saw him climb a tree on his property to retrieve a little boy’s kite. Although he did say he would kick the _________ out of the little boy if he let it happen again.

Daylin is committed to providing good public schools, as well as encouraging ________, _________, and ________, or at least fighting to make them legal. Daylin is hard working when he’s not on the _________, and is certainly smarter than ___________ W. ______. Remember, vote Daylin on November 5.

__________ “The Refrigerator” _________