People ask me what my favorite part of my recently completed political campaign was. Well, to be honest, other than demanding a recount, the best part of the campaign had to be the campaign songs.

Campaign songs have a rich tradition in American politics. The first well-known campaign song was the 1788 classic “I’m Votin’ for the Man on the Dollar Bill.” This song was so successful that in 1796, John Adams attempted to appropriate “I’m Votin’ for the Man on the Dollar Bill” as his campaign song, until someone pointed out that Mr. Adams wasn’t actually on the dollar bill. Not all the campaign songs were positive. The 1800 Adams campaign was often heard humming the anti-Jefferson song “Tommy Wears a Dress.” However, that became a pro-Jefferson song when it became clear that Adams had dramatically misjudged the mood of the public on that issue.

Soon other musical styles started appearing in political songs. Lincoln did well with his polka version of “Uppa Douglas’ Arse,” and George W. Bush had great success with his Latin-tinged “El-Presidente es muy stupido.” Although no campaign song was as popular as Chester Arthur’s beer-house ditty “Mutton-Chops Ya!”

Our campaign had a number of hurdles to overcome. There was the huge Republican registration advantage, the fact that we were going to be outspent 3-1, and…well…me as the candidate. We knew we needed a catchy song. I was asked to take a few days, think about what was really important to me, and try to write a song which reflected that. I came up with a few ideas for songs, such as:

= Let’s tax tax tax tax the night away!

= I ain’t from here.

= Set ’em Free (ballad of criminal law reform)

= The long road to sober

= They picked who???

= Satan on my side

= Reform this…

= Who are all those voices in my head?

= The shame of my past.

After a very short discussion, it was decided that we would let someone else write the campaign song. I would focus on doing what was most important for the campaign: staying out of sight and issuing denials. But I think the voters want to hear what I’m all about, and they want to hear it with Banjo music in the background. So as I gear up for re-election, I thought I’d start working on some campaign haikus.

Let’s all vote Daylin
unregistered, underage
we’re just not picky

For the Fundraiser
Lets get someone whose washed-up
Maybe Fabio

An idea has come
for a great bumper sticker:
This Leach doesn’t suck!

Maybe now that I’ve demonstrated my creative dexterity, my campaign team will once again let me take a crack at a campaign song, and maybe even do other things I’ve been banned from doing, like “meeting voters,” and “leaving my room.”