Introducing my first piece of legislation was a stressful event. I was very intimidated. It was like the first time I asked a girl out, or the first time I shivved someone in the chow line at the Penitentiary. I wanted to make sure I got it right. I also wanted it to pass, so I thought it best to introduce something no one could possibly oppose. So after much deliberation, I formally introduced “Moms, Kittens, and Pies are Good!!” Day.

I thought my resolution was in for smooth sailing. However, I didn’t predict the firestorm of controversy I had unleashed. First the dog lobby called all upset that I was honoring kittens, then the health food people were so upset at my pie reference that they pelted me with alfalfa as I left my office one night. Fortunately, alfalfa sprouts don’t “pelt” very well, so it was a fairly painless experience. Then Joan Crawford’s kids called me screaming about the whole “mom” thing!

It soon became clear that I was in even more trouble for who I didn’t include than for who I did. I had one particularly heated meeting with the head of a major Chemical PAC. He was an almost clone-like, spitting image of Yule Brenner, except he had a full head of hair. Oh…and he was Chinese. We had the following exchange:

Mr. ChemPAC
I would like you to amend your resolution.

Me
What’s wrong with it as it is?

Mr. ChemPAC
It’s fine as far as it goes. It just lacks something. We feel
it would really punch up your resolution to change it from
“Moms, Kittens, and Pies are Good!!” Day to something
more catchy, like “Moms, Kittens, Pies and
Industrial Solvents are Good!!” Day

Me
Industrial Solvents?

Mr. ChemPAC
Exactly!

Me
Uh…To be honest, I’m just trying to get something on the
board. I was thinking of innocuous things like calico kittens,
or a hearty rhubarb raisin pie.

Mr. ChemPAC
I’m with ya. Something innocuous, like Halogenated Hydrocarbons,
or monohydric alchohols.

Me
Look. I’m just not sure I’d put monohydro…whatever you said, in
the same category as motherhood.

Long Pause

Mr. ChemPAC
You know…they said you were a communist.

Me
I’m not a communist. But I do have a question.

Mr. ChemPAC
What’s that?

Me
Have you ever been in a production of “The King and I”?

Eventually my resolution made it out of committee and passed on the floor. It was amended slightly to mandate the distribution of assault rifles to both “monks and people who are not monks,” and of course all references to mom’s, kittens and/or pie were deleted. However, I still consider this a great victory. And the story has a happy ending. Mr. ChemPAC has offered to contribute to my campaign. Coincidentally, I am soon to be hosting the “Battery Acid Festival” at my local elementary school.

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