Last Tuesday, I was acting as a tour guide. At least once a week some group from the district comes to Harrisburg to see their capital and learn about their government. I walk them around and tell them what I know about the building and Pennsylvania history. Since I don’t know anything about either, I make a lot of it up. Usually they don’t notice, although last Tuesday’s group seemed surprised to learn that the Supreme Court chamber was where most of the “Gidgit” movies had been filmed.

The tour was progressing nicely:

Now as you step into the Rotunda you will
see the murals on the walls. These were painted by
famous chef Julia Child. This explains the French theme
and the prevalence of beef slabs surrounding William
Penn. As you can tell, Julia was suffering from the early
signs of dementia even then. Which is why we see
Hayawatha depicted as “making out” with James Earl

Excuse me. Are you telling me that we elected you as
our representative?

Absolutely!! Now come follow me into the Senate Chamber,
which is officially known as “The Larry Flynt Nook”…

Suddenly, I received a page telling me I had to be on the house floor urgently. It was once again time to vote on resolutions. These are non-binding votes we cast declaring something “The Official State…” something or other, or declaring a certain date to be “Weasel Day,” so we can all earn big campaign contributions from the Weasel Husbandry lobby. Last week, the resolutions we voted on were as follows:

= “Unbearable Pain” Day
= “Leprechaun” Week
= “Disturbingly Flamboyant Son” day
= Thong Month
= Official State Cat – Fritz, the
= Official State Cheese – Wiz
= Official State Butter – I can’t believe it’s not…
= Official State Muskrat – Muskrat
= Official State Jackson – Tito
= Official State Toy – Kalishnikoff Assault Rifle (The NRA has a great lobby)
= Official State Cookie – Kalishnikoff Assault Rifle (I meant a really great lobby)
= Official State Gansta Rap Theme – “Passin’ lozz 4 U, Suckah!”
= Letter “P” Awareness Week
= “Obvious Things All Around Us” Awareness Week
= “Lordy Lordy, Good Gawd!!” – Official thing to say when seeing a recent picture of Delta Burke
= Eskimo Appreciation Day

Most of these passed 202-1. I voted “No” on everything except the Tito Jackson one. It’s hard to argue with that. After I earned my paycheck with that intellectual heavy lifting, I was off to find my tour group. By the time I found them, they had nominated someone else to lead the tour, and to run against me in ’04. I was having none of it however, and gathered them up to go see the Governor’s Office, which, I began to explain, was guarded round the clock by cross-dressing elves…