It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game.
– Peaches, 1967, before she met Herb-

After watching the Caucus and primary returns over the past couple of weeks, I’ve come to two conclusions. First, Celine Dion sucks, but I’ve been working on that one for a while. The second is just because you suffer a crushing humiliating defeat, doesn’t mean you can’t act ecstatically, euphorically victorious. It’s sort of like the losing team in the world series, after their last batter strikes out, also running onto the field, diving on top of each other and dousing each other with Champagne. In fact, there’s no reason why the team that finished last during the regular season (the Phillies, no doubt) can’t run out from the stands to do the same thing.

This was exemplified by all of the candidates who aren’t John Kerry (which oddly includes everyone but Al Sharpton, who is John Kerry) leaping onto the stage with their fists pumping to proclaim their version of victory. They then give a “concession” speech which seems to defy reality. A great example is Joe Lieberman’s speech after the New Hampshire Primary:

Thank you. Thank you. I’d like to thank both of you for coming tonight.
I think its obvious that tonight we have won a great victory. We may not
come in first place…

Leiberman Campaign Dufus
Oh, excuse me Joe, we actually know that for sure now, we
did not come in first place.

But we sure…

Leiberman Campaign Dufus
…Actually, we didn’t come in second either. It was closer to
10th, out of the 8 announced candidates.

Uh…that will be fine. Thanks. In any event, there is no question
we defied the expectations of the pundits who thought we would
get a different number of votes than we got.

Lieberman Campaign Dufus

What’s that?

Lieberman Campaign Dufus
More. The pundits thought we would get more than we got.

OK. look, I can take it from…

Lieberman Campaign Dufus
Most thought we’d at least get some, ya know…votes.

Look, you’re fired.

Lieberman Campaign Dufus
Oh I quit Friday. I’m working for Kerry.

Like I said, we have won a great victory tonight. Some measure
victory by the number of votes they receive. But not us, that would
be stupid. We measure victory by the intensity of our support. And
I just want to say that the intensity of my brother Schlomo “The Mongoose”
Lieberman, who came within a hair’s breath of voting for me, made up for
all those tens of thousands of votes John Kerry received.

Wild Applause from Haddasah, Joe’s wife, and Consuela, the hotel maid who thinks Joe just announced an immigration amnesty proposal.

Lieberman (cont’d)
We didn’t have all the advantages the other candidates had. We
aren’t from a neighboring state. We didn’t have all their money.
We didn’t have all their out-of-state supporters, or all of
their in-state-supporters. Maybe people didn’t “love” us, or “like” us, or
even feel they could “stomach” us, but still we prevailed.

More wild cheering from Haddassah. Consuela has left with Ramon, a cutlery salesman from Burbank.

Lieberman (still cont’d)
This victory has given this campaign the momentum to go on. Right
after this, we’re off to take the fight to Michigan. Not all of Michigan, but
I’m told that there is a suburb of Sheboygan where two guys who lost a
poker game have to mud wrestle a pig, and wear Lieberman for President
Buttons for a whole week. We’re gonna rally those guys and go all the way
to the White House!!

Haddasah silently downs a tumbler of Whiskey and walks away. She is later found in the kitchen, physically fighting Consuela for the love of Ramón.

Throughout it all, I just wonder who these guys think they are fooling, except of course President W, who after watching the speech says, “We gotta watch that Lieberberg guy” and continues reading his flashcards on how to use the letter “B” in a sentence. I’d have a lot more respect for Lieberman or any of the losing candidates if they just came out and said:

Losing Candidate
Whooooweeee did I get my ass kicked!!!! Tonight John Kerry
pulled down my pants and called me Mommy! The results here
tonight make me about as likely to be the next president as
Britney Spears is to French kiss Bea Arthur during the Oscars. Hot-damn, I got a bigger lickin’ tonight than my dad gave me when I asked for “Baby-Tiny-Tears” for Christmas.

Now that is a man I’d vote for!

Dutch Larooo