I was away for the past few days at a legislative conference. We called it a “legislative conference” because apparently, “Whiskey-Guzzling Conference” doesn’t play as well with the folks back home. The conference was held at the “Wye River Compound” (why “Wye?” Why not?) and modern conveniences were not to be found. Even the defibrillators weren’t electric. So I didn’t have much access to television news.

Fortunately, we did get newspapers, along with Newsweek, GQ, and a terrific selection of really, really filthy magazines. So I had a chance to see the transcript of Director of Homeland Security Tom Ridge’s press conference. He was talking about our latest “intelligence” in the war on terror.

To be frank, our recent intelligence has not been the best. There was the whole “weapons of mass destruction” thing in Iraq. There were also a number of other notable failures, such as the CIA’s prediction Paulie Shore would win “a buttload of Oscars,” and the fact that the FBI reported that the continent of Asia was “missing” for 4 days (not to worry, they found it!).

Below is a transcript of Ridge’s latest press conference. You can judge for yourself if they have gotten their act together.

Good morning. I’d like to read a brief statement.
First, we are now fully on top of the Asia thing. We
know where it is and we’re keeping an eye on it. Second,
our latest intelligence leads us to two conclusions. One,
that you should relax and just go about your daily routine as
if nothing were wrong, and two, that you should do that
relaxing in a reinforced corrugated steel capsule,
which has been buried underground and stocked with
gas masks, ammo and lots of canned corn. Any questions?

New York Times
Mr. Secretary, do you have any specific information regarding
the nature of an attack?

Based only on information that’s been declassified, no. However,
if you also consider classified information, well then…uh…no.

Chicago Tribune
Can you tell us when the attack may be?

The “chatter” we’ve heard on the radio leads us to believe
the attack will either come in August of 2004, or May of 2004.
However, since May of 2004 is already in the past, we’re looking
more at August. But I emphasize, based on the chatter, we cannot
rule out last May.

What can you tell us about the location of an attack?

We can’t say for sure, but lets just say that if you’re thinking
of going to “Wing-Bowl” this year, I’d lay low, especially around
the “hot and spicy” section.

Los Angeles Times
Any idea where bin-Laden is?

Are you bin-Laden?

Los Angeles Times
I am not!

Then, no.

Have any of our spies infiltrated al-Quaeda?

Yes, one Larry Macmillan of 345 Maple Avenue in
San Luis Obispo, California. But that’s classified and
I’m not allowed to reveal it.

You just did.


Barely Legal
Mr. Secretary, I just wanted to ask…

Damn, Damn, Damn, Damn!!!

Barely Legal
Excuse me sir, have any other terrorists emerged as
leading threats?

Yes, in fact we’ve heard a great deal of radio chatter about
a new deadly terrorist who goes by the name “To-Mi Shah”
We think he may be Saudi.

Boston Globe
Excuse me sir, when you say “radio chatter,” what specifically
have you been listening to?

Something called “Classic Iraq,” it’s 93.5 on your FM dial.

Washington Post
Sir, do you mean “Classic Rock” 93.5?

Hey, how do you know about that?

Sir, is it possible that the dreaded terrorist To-Mi Shah, is
really Tommy Shaw, the guy from Styx?

All I know is that he frequently exhorts his followers to
“Come Sail Away.” We think he may be planning a
boat attack.

Good God!

Hey Pal, don’t forget we found Asia!

And so it went. It seems Ridge is never right. Although I do think Paulie Shore was robbed by Oscar in Pool Boy 2.

Dutch Larooo