With Primary Day fast approaching (and my bustle still at the cleaners), I thought it was a propitious time to begin exerpting my new book “Daylin’s Political Advice and Poems About Carbohydrates” (I actually had 2 ideas for half of a book, so I just combined). Tonight I’ll focus on the political advice, but next week I’ll share several of my Haiku about Muffins.

My first political lesson deals with lawn signs. These are the annoying (my opponent’s) yet serenely beautiful (mine) cardboard pleas for support which pop up all over the place shortly before any election. All they typically say is your name, as if someone should vote for a candidate because they’ve seen his name a bunch of times. By that logic, any candidate whose last name is “STOP” should be a shoe in.

Most people think the most important consideration is placement of your signs. They have a point, but if you ask me, the more important thing to worry about is the placement of your opponent’s signs. Remember, the voters don’t have to like you if they hate the other guy!!

Let’s say you are running against a guy named “Johnson.” The first thing to do is steal some of Johnson’s signs. Some say this is unethical, but it turns out that’s a myth. In any event, start out by posting a bunch of “Johnson” signs at the local Hooters and at every erotic massage parlor in the district. Johnson will thank you. This will boost his name recognition more than anything he can do!

Next put your opponent’s signs up throughout the cemeteries in your district. That way, when people were visiting their loved ones, they will find a “Vote Johnson!” sign taped to Grandpa’s grave (two signs for a mausoleum!).

Your next move?? Two words…Liquor Stores!! If you do this, try to put his signs near the Mad Dog 20/20. Hopefully, the association will cause a gag reflex in most voters. Mental hospitals and bondage clubs are good, but prisons are the best. At this point you may even want to spring for a large banner with a catchy slogan, like “Death Row Loves Johnson!” or “If I ever escape, I’m votin’ Johnson!”

Another of my innovative ideas is the mobile yard sign. For example, you could put a couple of “VOTE JOHNSON” signs in your car window and drive extremely fast through quiet residential neighborhoods. When some voter comes running out of their house whining about kids living on the street, give them two toots of the horn and throw them a “Johnson” bumper sticker. Or, even better, hire a guy to walk around the town nude, and paint onto his stomach “That’s My Johnson!”

My guess is that this strategy will work so well, you will find it unnecessary to print up your own lawn signs. In fact, after this gets published, that’s probably an affirmatively bad idea.

In the coming weeks I’ll tantalize you with other exerpts from my Political Advice/Carbo Poem book, including:

=Forget going door-to-door, go window-to-window!
Why knock, when you can peek?

= When doing direct mail, put the voter’s name in the return address
Never pay postage again!

= The Challah Sonnets

= Midnight Phone Banks
And other ways to boost your opponent’s name recognition.

= Elegy to Bunt Cake, and other poems of lament

Dutch Laroo