Howdy!

I’ve been sick for the past week. If the Nobel-prize people gave out an award for “Most fun person to be around while sick,” I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be going to Sweden. My guess is the guy who wins that is one of the same people who also wins for living in a pinto-bean field for 40 years fighting to free “the leper people” from the oppression of the warlords. Those people win everything. It’s really very unfair.

People say I’m a bit of a hypochondriac. I disagree. I may be more prone to Dengue Fever and Malaysian Sleeping Sickness than most people living in the suburbs of Pennsylvania, and I understand not everyone shares my lifelong struggle with Elephantitis, but that’s no reason to call names.

Admittedly, in retrospect, “not being in the mood for bowling” was probably not a sure sign of Rickets and OK ALREADY !! while I did cut myself shaving pretty badly last month, I was not in fact “Beheaded.”

To give you an idea of how difficult I can be when I’m under the weather, I’ve broken one day down last week:

9:30 – Wake-up. I yell downstairs that I’m going to be needing some hot herbal tea. “Stir it with a cinnamon swizzle,” I yell, “and don’t skimp on the liquor! I could also use a relaxing foot-rub, so bring up the cocoa-butter and the mega-loofa–and make it snappy!”

9:31 – Realize no one else is in the house.

9:32 – Grab a handful of Cheerios for breakfast. They’re not name-brand. They are some organic knockoffs Jen bought at the health food store. They are made out of yeast maw and oak bark. They are tougher and more furniture-like than regular Cheerios.

9:35 – Call my doctor for the first time today:

ME
Hello Dr. Becker!

Dr. Becker What is it this time Daylin?

ME
Doc, I fear the worst. I think I have a bad
case of craniopagus parasiticus.

Dr. Becker
I think that’s unlikely.

ME
How can you be so sure.

Dr. Becker
Well, for example, do you have a
undeveloped conjoined twin attached to
the top of your skull, facing upward?

Pause

Me
Not yet.

Dr. Becker
Good-bye Daylin.

10:00 – Noon – Trip to the drug store in an attempt to self-medicate. I feel so bad, I’m open to try anything. I buy pseudofed and Tylenol, robotussin, Aspirin, and Preference Hair Dye # 28 by Loriel (Rustic Umber). I get ace bandages, a vat of Dippity Doo, a SuperSoaker ™ and a large pump-like device that made the check-out girl giggle. Now it’s home to call Dr. Becker again.

1:00 Dr. Becker
What now?

ME
You’ll never guess!

Dr. Becker
I’m sure you’re right.

ME
I’ve got a wicked case of Pink Eye by
Proxy!

Dr. Becker
No you don’t.

ME
How do you know, you haven’t even seen me.

Dr. Becker
Because that isn’t actually a disease.

ME
Oh, really? I thought I read it was.

Dr. Becker
Good-bye.

2:30 – Lunch time. More organic stuff Jen picked up. This time it’s Protein Patties made entirely from wheat gluten dollops and dung beetles. Not bad with cheese.

3:00-4:00 – Prank phone calls to clergymen. I mean I have to find some way to kill time. And no, as it turns out, Rabbi Schlomo Glickstein does not have sir Walter Raleigh in a can, but he does have caller ID, and a proclivity to call the cops.

4:01- 5:30 – Lengthy discussion with the cops.

5:30- 6:00 – Things look bad. I make out my will. I call my lawyer to ask if I can leave everything to myself. He said that would be “silly, but not surprising.” I ask if he has any suggestions. He suggests I get a new lawyer. After a lengthy discussion (mostly one way, as law-boy has long since hung up), I decide to leave my fortune, which will consist of my secret recipe for celery and peanut butter (Oh Shoot!! I just gave it away!!) and 5 or 6 killer Jethro Tull albums, to the Jeb Bush for President campaign.

6:00-7:00 – Dinner with Jen. It’s Tofurky night!! Final call to Dr. Becker:

ME
Dr. Becker, are you sitting down?

Dr. Becker
Sort of. I’m filling out forms for a restraining order. But I’m still listening.

ME
Well, I know you are going to think I’m crazy…

Dr. Becker
You are a true prophet.

ME
…but I have all the symptoms

Dr. Becker
I know I’m going to regret this, but symptoms of what?

ME
Doc, I think I’m menstruating.

click

Me
…Hello? Dr. Becker? Helllooo??

7:00- 7:30- Sniffles not going away. Plan my funeral. A short tasteful service, followed by my body being left discreetly and unexpectedly on the living room sofa of someone I don’t like.

8:00- Midnight – Watch “Vanilla Ice” triple feature on Cinemax. This eventually becomes tedious, especially since he only made one movie.

Over the next few days I felt better. The medicine seemed to work, and while my hair definitly has a strange hue, that pump device was just terrific.

Love,
Dutch Larooo
Tomorrow: Do Rustic Umber heads really have more fun?

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