The time has come to send my quarterly newsletter to my constituents. I know that my constituents await my newsletter with an indifference bordering on obsession. I had thought that the purpose of the newsletter was to let my people know what I’ve been doing in the capitol. However, a short discussion with the editor of the newsletter, Cameron, disabused me of that misapprehension.

Cameron, I just want to tell the truth about what I’ve been doing.

Good God man!! Are you crazy??

What do you mean?

The purpose of the newsletter is to make you look good.

Do you think that’s possible?


Well, lets get started!

So with Cameron’s deft touch, we filled my newsletter with lots of stuff to make me look…how did Cameron put it?…ah yes…Good! Basically this consisted of spinning things so that we only included things no one could possibly object to. So here it is. The newsletter. Obviously we couldn’t include the photographs (included in the actual newsletter solely for shock value), but you can at least see the text and feel informed.

Representative Leach’s Report

Recent Headlines!
“Sure, I may have experimented with some things
that were illegal as a youth. Treason for example.
But now I’m walking the straight and narrow. Here’s
= Daylin not arrested – Day 147!
= Leach shows up to work – Twice !!
= Daylin wears pants! A lot!!
= Leach ties to Al Quada – Scant !!
= Daylin pays bill in Restaurant!! “It’s only right”

Daylin’s Recent Legislation
Some people say that since I’m a
freshman in the minority party, my
legislation will never pass. Some say
that’s an obstacle. But to me its liberating.
I can give the people what they really want

= World Peace Act of 2003
= Eternal Life Amendment
= Cab Driver Aroma Enhancement Act
= Abs of Steel Grant Program

Rep. Leach’s Hall of Chastisement
This is where I take a stand. I hereby chastise
the following evildoers and let people know, in
no uncertain terms that I consider the following
people “bad,” “evil,” and “Cheeky.”
= Stalin (Joseph, not Harvey Stalin from Ft. Lauderdale. He’s all right)
= Arafat
= Celine Dion
= All Ax Murderers. *Includes hatchet, shovel and pitchfork Murderers
**Does not include Mallet Murderers

Daylin’s Quarterly Denials
Regardless of what rumors you may have heard, what
you may have read in the newspaper, what you may have
seen with your own eyes, or what you may have personally
been victim of, pending the production of further evidence, I
strongly deny doing some or all of the following:

= Asking Lt. Governor Catherine Baker Knoll if she wanted
to “smooch.”

= Referring to President Bush, in official floor debate, as
“misguided,” “misinformed” or “Meshuggana”

= Telling the Tax Reform lobbyist to “Tax This”

= Asking Lt. Governor Catherine Baker Knoll if she wanted
to join the “Speaker’s Dais Club.”

I hope this newsletter informed, even inspired you. Next month we’ll have a whole section on “Things I wish I didn’t say out loud.” Til then…

Dutch Larooo