Recently we sent out a survey to everyone in my legislative district. (Well, almost everyone. There is one guy who lives in a tank behind the Dunkin Donuts. He is always naked and snarls when people come near. He didn’t get a survey). The survey asked a series of questions about current events, designed to find out what my district is thinking about what I’m doing in the capitol, other than, “Why, good God why?”

I am all for surveys. In fact, if I were surveyed on my thoughts on surveys, I would check the “All For” box. However, it seems to me that if you really want information, you shouldn’t make the questions so slanted that the answer you want is obvious. For example, my survey was written by the Democratic Party, and it seemed like the questions were slightly biased to me. But read the survey yourself, and you be the judge.

Representative Leach’s Constituent Survey

Question # 1 Our fine Governor has introduced an education plan. Do you:

a) Support our fine governor’s effort to move education forward.

b) Oppose our fine governor’s plan, and prefer to see all of our
children spend their lives as stupid as wheat, growing
mullets and barking like hyenas at passing trolleys, lacking the good sense to do otherwise.

Question #2

The Democratic Party has a property tax plan, known as “A Plan for a New Pennsylvania.”
The Republican Party also has a property tax plan, known as “A Plan for
Bucktoothed Barn monkeys who marry their Sisters”

Do you:
A) Support the Democratic Plan
B) Support the Republican Plan

Question # 3

The Democratic Plan for Economic Development is supported by our fine
governor and 5 Nobel-laureates.
The Republican Plan for Economic Development is supported by Saddam
Hussein, Beelzebub – Hell’s Dark Knight, and the creepy guy from the
movie “Urban Cowboy.” Do you:

a) support the Democratic Plan
b) worship at the shrine of the beastmaster

Question # 4

Do you support our fine governor’s plan for the environment?

Yes _________

Question # 5

Would you rather:

______a) See our fine governor’s universal pre-school proposals enacted

______b) Go “all the way” with Beatrice Arthur

(When answering this question, it is important to note that the Republican
party wants 2 things above all: deep cuts in education spending, and to
see you go “all the way” with Bea Arthur).

Question # 6

If you knew that all Republicans had a rare, contagious, incurable skin
disease, would you be:

a) Reluctant to bathe with them
b) Not Reluctant to bathe with them

Question # 7

If offered $1,000 to say “Republicans Suck,” would you be willing to say:

_______ Republicans Suck

Question # 8

I would support Representative Leach for reelection under the following

____ The economy is better than when he took office.

____ He promised to move to Germany.

____ He actually moved to Germany.

____ The Germans expressed a willingness to take him.

____ On election day I had a belly full of mountain whiskey.

____ I lost a bet.

____ He stopped lurking nude in my bushes.

____ He was running against his clone.
____ It was part of being a contestant on “Fear Factor.”

____ My soul tuned dark and hollow.

____ Only if all of the above were true.

A few days later we received an overwhelming response, if two can be considered overwhelming. The answers came in pretty much as we expected, except that my reelect numbers were a little disappointing (we were hoping for integers). I just hope that we really gained some insight into what our constituents/fans were thinking.

Dutch Larooo